TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My ass is underappreciated
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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