Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
