it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
