New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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