dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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