my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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