Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
