Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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