He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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