How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
