i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
