I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
