I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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