she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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