My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
