i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
