drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
