btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
