so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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