The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
