I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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