i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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