I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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