i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
