I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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