I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
