Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
