i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize