I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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