I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
