When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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