Small penises have feelings too.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
