I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
