Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
