He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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