I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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