I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
