I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I will be naked everywhere
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize