I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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