his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
