Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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