and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
