I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
