Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
