Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
