Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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