her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
