now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
