LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
