he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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