so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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