Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want her autograph on my taint
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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