I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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