So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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