I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
