MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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