i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
