My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
