worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
